


I love you, I meant it

by justholdxn



Category: Brendan Murray - Fandom, Loudan, Louis - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, Loundan, Tomlinson
Genre: Brendan Murray - Freeform, Loudan - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, MalexMale, Sadness, last christmas, relationship, xfactor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 06:45:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16990017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justholdxn/pseuds/justholdxn
Summary: A Loudan one shot written from Brendan's pov. It contains a relationship between the two boys. If you do not feel comfortable reading about that, then please don't! <3





	I love you, I meant it

**Author's Note:**

> A Loudan one shot written from Brendan's pov. It contains a relationship between the two boys. If you do not feel comfortable reading about that, then please don't! <3

Louis and I had been together for quite a while now, about a year and a half and eveything was going great. We had recently moved in together and spent as much time together as we could. Even though we do live together, we don't get to see each other as often as we want. We're both very busy. Louis is nearly finishing his second album and about to start touring again, meaning he spends loads of time in the studio, and so do I. I'm recording an album at the minute, have some interviews and small gigs every now and then. It's fun, but I do miss Louis a lot. We do get to see each other at night though, mostly, but I often get home being overly exhausted and longing for a bed. I sometimes push myself to stay up, to sit with him and spend some time together, but that doesn't always work. Especially not after I've been spending most of my day in the studio, and ended up having a gig as well, it just tires me out. Louis is no better than me though, it's not always me, it often happens that he's the one coming home late and heading straight to bed.

Lately it's always me though, I work long days and get home, feeling completely exhausted and longing for my bed. I can tell it's starting to frustrate Louis, because well.. I don't give him anything either. We've been together for quite a while now and even though he knows he has his needs, and so do I, I can't get myself to it. I'm fine using my hand in the shower every now and then, but I can tell he needs me. I can tell he's getting very frustrated and on the edge of snapping, and I'm not looking forward to it. 

I'm just kinda torn lately. I do love Louis, with my entire heart and he makes me happier than I have ever been, but lately things just.. changed? We barely get to spend time together, and when we do, it's just a few minutes, literally. We don't go out on dates anymore like we used to, because we don't go out at all anymore. We don't watch movies anymore, we don't really have dinner together anymore. It's like we're drifting apart, and I hate it. It's not just that though. Ever since I got together with Louis, I got hate. Lots of. Just jealousy though. Louis is always telling me not to let it get to me, that they're just jealous and that he loves me, but it still hurts. Don't I deserve happiness? Then this on top, it's just starting to take its toll. I've decided to stay away from the terror that is social media for as much as I can, not wanting to deal with the hate, and not wanting to see it either. Louis always used to calm me down, make me feel better and assure me, but lately I'm not so sure about anything. We seem less happy than we used to be, and that's not okay. I don't want to let go either, but I'm actually starting to doubt if it's still worth it. Not just for me, but for him too. 

For once, I actually managed to get home earlier than planned, way earlier. I knew Louis was having a day off, so maybe, just maybe, we could spend some time together. I feel like the two of us really need that. Just some time together, no one else, nothing else, just us.

''Hi!'' I say as I walk through the door, closing it with my foot and taking my scarf off. A scarf that Louis got me, may I add. I hum and hang it up, unbuttoning my coat whilst I walk over towards the living room, finding Louis there upon the couch and slipping his feet into some shoes. ''Bren? Why are you home so early?'' Louis asks, confusion written over his face as he gets up. ''Got done sooner, the album is nearly finished, it's just the last bits.'' I say, shrugging once and walking up to him to peck his lips. ''Are you planning on going somewhere?'' I ask, lowering my eyes to his shoes before I look back up into his eyes. ''Actually, yeah. Was going to go see a friend, how so?'' He asks, walking past my to gather his keys and his phone. ''Really? Who? Can't you cancel? I mean, I want to spend some time with you.'' I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.

''What?'' Louis huffs, a sarcastic chuckle rolling over his lips whilst his head snaps up to look at me. ''Are you kidding?'' He sneers. ''No?'' I swallow, not really understanding what's going on, and why he reacts the way he does. ''Never, ever do you have time to hang out with me, and when I finally go out and plan something with a friend, you've got the nerve to ask me to cancel?'' Louis nearly snaps, and I feel taken aback. This is not what I expected, and not what I want either. ''What? I just, I figured, we could, ehm.'' I stammered, looking down at my hands and playing with my fingers for a bit. ''You thought what? The world doesn't revolve around you, Brendan Murray.'' Louis snaps, pushing past me to get towards the hallway, probably to pick up his coat. ''I didn't say that? What's gotten into you?'' I swallow. 

''Are you for fucking real?'' Louis snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose and spinning around on his heel to look at me. ''No, Brendan, as much as I miss our time together, I'm not cancelling. It's a bit selfish of you to ask me to cancel.'' Louis says, placing his hand upon his hip in a sassy way, and as much as it usually endears me, it doesn't right now. ''You literally don't make any sense. You're acting as if I'm forcing you to cancel, which is not the case. I only asked if you maybe could so we could spend time together, never did I say you had to.'' I say, scrunching my eyebrows. ''Oh, fuck off. Don't go there now.'' Louis rolls his eyes. ''Go where? What the hell is wrong with you? Just tell me if you don't want to spend time with me, clearly, I miss it more than you do.'' I say, swallowing thickly and biting down my bottom lip. 

''What? What did you just say? You sure you miss me? You sure you miss spending time with me? Cause lately, I don't get anything from you. It's like we live together, but we don't. You do not pay any attention to me.'' Louis sneers, throwing his hands around like he always does. ''That's not true! I always want to spend time with you, but work gets in the way, and you can not put this down on me now. Not just on me.'' I shout. ''You don't want to spend time with me, it feels like. Sure, I understand that you're a bit bitter because I'm away a lot and only now appear to have time whilst you seemed to have planned something with your friend, but please, just take it. It's all we have right now.'' I nearly plead. I just want to spend time with my boyfriend, and I honestly don't get why he acts the way that he does.

''No. Piss off, Brendan. Not everything is about you, you can't always have everything you want.'' Louis says, and that makes me snap. ''Excuse me? What did you just say? Everything I want? God, if only.'' I say, locking our eyes together. I can feel how my breathing starts to fasten a little and I can feel how I start feeling worked up, but I can't help it. ''I sacrified everything for you. I gave up on Ireland, left behind my friends, left social media cause your jealous stupid fans can not leave me alone, got the record deal where you wanted me to.'' I shout. ''I don't get everything I want, I don't ever get anything I want. It's never enough for you, is it? I sacrified so much, and yet you still have the nerve to say I get everything I want?'' I shout. ''The things I go through, just to be with you, Louis. You have no idea.'' I exclaim. ''Oh, fuck off, you're just overreacting right now.'' Louis says, sighing. ''I'm not, Louis. Don't tell me that I am while I changed everything to be with you, gave up on so much to be with you.'' I defend. ''Well, maybe you shouldn't have.'' Louis says, sighing. ''What?'' I ask, sucking in a deep breath. ''Just leave me if you're that ungrateful, that unhappy.'' Louis snaps. ''Unhappy? I've been unhappy for ages and you don't seem to care. I've been trying to fix it, but you don't seem to care. When I tell you what I'm struggling with, you tell me I'm overreacting. What the fuck do you want, honestly?'' I shout.

''You're just a whiny little bitch right now.'' Louis throws back. ''Fuck you, literally, fuck you. I can't be bothered to be around you right now, because you piss me off so much.'' I say, grasping on to my coat and scarf right after. ''You're going to leave now, really? Thought you wanted to spend some time together?'' Louis hums with a pout, obviously trying to get under my skin and annoy me even more. ''I feel nothing but hate for you now, fuck off. Just go see your friend, cause you clearly don't want to be around your boyfriend.'' I say, pushing past him and heading outside. For the first few seconds I don't know where to go, but I quickly fetch my phone out of my pocket to message my cousin. 

As if I don't feel worse enough, I find myself plugging in my earphones and streaming some sad music, sad songs, broken hearted songs. It brings down my mood even more, but do I care? Part of me is glad when I end up at my cousin's doorstep, but another part of me wished it would have taken a little longer so I could have listened to even more music, and possibly feel even more bad. 

''Brendan, you gotta fix this. You two both love each other, loads.'' Hannah, my cousin says whilst she settles down upon the couch next to me with some tea. I sigh, run my hands over my face and lean back, nodding. I know we have to fix this, but I don't know how. I don't like fights, especially not with Louis. Louis means the world to me and having him be upset with me, hurts. I'm upset with him as well though, and I hate that. I just want to talk it all out with him. I never expected this to happen today, I just really thought that we would get to spend some time together. 

I feel like being with Hannah has allowed me to cool off, and I'm sure that Louis has been cooling off as well now. I'm not sure if he's met up with his friend, Harry, anyway, but I will see about that later. My cousin suggested me to maybe take along Louis' favourite food, and some chocolate, like I always do when we fight. It's close to dinner time anyway, so I go and get us some Chinese food after I picked up his favourite chocolate. I'm pretty sure this will though, along with a sincere apology. Maybe I should have stayed a little more calm and try to see things from his point of view, even though I feel like he could have been much calmer as well. I shouldn't have said I felt nothing but hate for him, because I could never hate him. Little did I know what surprise I would be in for once I would get home.

As I get inside, I get surrounded with nothing but silence, or so.. I think. The sound of whining and whimpering fills up my ears and I frown, but walk in further anyway. ''Louis?'' I call out, but no response. I sigh and close the door behind, noticing another pair of shoes stood in the hallway. They don't belong to me, and not to Louis either, I think I recognize them as Harry's. ''Not him.'' I sigh. It's not that I don't like him, but I actually really want to make up to Louis and talk things out, I can't use Harry with that, now can I? 

I walk into the living room and put down the bags of food, along with the chocolate. Louis is not in here either, but there are two glasses stood upon the table. However, it doesn't stop with that. Louis' shirt is on the couch, the one he was wearing before I left. Why would that be on the couch? I frown and bite down my bottom lip, shaking my head and slipping out of my coat as my eyes catch another shirt whilst I'm hanging up my coat. This time, upon the stairs. It's not mine, not Louis' either, I would have recognised. When I left, there was no shirt on the stairs. Why would there be a shirt on the stairs in the first place? Harry's shirt, out of all shirts.

I just shrug it off, maybe it's an old shirt of Louis that I don't know about. Maybe he's been doing the laundry and dropped it on the stairs or whatever, even though that sounds so unlike him. Deep down, I know that something's going on, and even though I don't actually want to, I walk up the stairs. There's music playing, coming from our bedroom. Maybe Louis is working on something new? Nah, he would have told me, I suppose.

''Lou?'' I hum, my heart somehow beating in my throat. Why am I nervous? Why is something telling me I should not go in there? Why don't I feel at peace? I swallow and knock upon the door, softly, but there's no response. I wrap my hand around the doorknob and open it up, slightly pushing it open and it's right there and then, that I wish I had never, ever opened that door because the sight I'm having right now hits me like a thousand knives at once. A knife, stabbing straight to my chest, through my heart, twisting as it hits my heart. Louis is in the room, like I had expected him to, but he's not alone. He's with Harry. Not just that though, they're on our bed, naked, being.. intimate.

For a short amount of time I feel frozen, numb, but then.. then the pain and shock comes up and I bite down my lip harshly, trying my hardest not to make a sound, but it's a choking sound that betrays me. It makes Louis and Harry snap their heads up, but at the same time. They widen their eyes in sink and Louis pushes Harry off before he sits up. Harry nearly falls of the bed and Louis quickly covers them with the sheets, staring at me with shock. Staring at me in horror, as if he had just seen a ghost. ''Brendan? What are you doing here?'' Louis cracks out. ''It's.. it's n-not what it looks like.'' He stambles, visibly stressing.

''Save it, it is.'' I breathe, sucking in a deep breath, but I can not ignore the pain I'm feeling. The man I considered as the love of my life is in our bed, literally.. fucking someone else. He's cheating, the one thing I would never expect from him. ''Brendan, baby, please.'' Louis says, looking over at Harry but Harry just sits there, looking the other way and fumbling with the sheets. ''How could you?'' I ask, but my voice cracks, and I quickly break. I let my tears fall, deciding it's okay for Louis to see he's hurt me. Hurt me good this time. ''I don't know, it's a mistake!'' Louis rambles, getting up and slipping into a pair of boxers. 

Louis makes an attempt to get closer to me, but I raise my hand and step backwards. ''Stay away from me.'' I say, more calm than I would have expected. Maybe I just don't have the energy to rage right now. I expected myself to flip out, to perhaps even hit him and scream my lungs out, but I'm silent. I shake my head and wipe some tears away with the back of my hand, clearing my nose and looking up at Louis with a broken look before I step back and close the door. I rush down the stairs and quickly grab my coat and scarf before I head out, closing the door behind me and letting out a few shaky breaths. My hands are trembling and for a second I go and lean against the door, closing my eyes and letting my tears flow. How could he? How could he do something like that? Am I not enough for him? Was this the first time? Has he cheated before? Didn't he love me enough? If he loved me enough, he wouldn't have gone behind my back and slept with someone else, right?

It takes a little while, but I manage to pull myself together for now and I start to walk. It appears as if 'luck' is on my side right now, because Louis hasn't made any attempt to come after me. Not that I want him to though, I want him to stay away from me. Maybe he just doesn't care enough, and at this point, I wouldn't even be surprised. 

It feels like my heart got ripped out, thrown upon the floor and jumped on. He completely shattered it, completely broke it. He tore me apart. It's an image I probably wouldn't get deleted out of my brain ever again, the two of them there together, in our bed. Being intimate, holding on to each other, moaning out for each other. How.. how could he? Me thinking about this doesn't make the situation any better, and my sight quickly becomes blurry. Every step I take, hurts. Everything hurts. My entire body. My heart aches, my heart is completely broken. Broken into a million little pieces. My chest actually aches and it makes me clutch on to it, broken sobs rolling over my lips as I get back to the one place I know I'm always welcome to: my cousin.

The first thing I do after she opens up the door is collapse into her arms and let it all out, broken sobs filling up the silence, along with my heavy breathing. ''What happened?'' She asks with worry in her voice, and so I walk in and try to explain the story as best as I can. I tell her about my plan to make up to him, like we had discussed before, I tell her about getting back to the house and hearing the music. I tell her about finding the articles of clothes, and I tell her about walking in on the love of my life being intimate with another. I tell her all about it, and I can not help the painful sobs that interrupt every now and then. By now I'm just curled up on the couch, my arms wrapped around my legs whilst I let it all out, like she wants me to. Hannah's prepared me some tea and as much as she tries to comfort me, it's not really helping. I wish though. God, I wish that I didn't feel this bad. But fuck, it hurts. It hurts more than anything.

She pushes me to go and take a shower, freshen myself up a bit and take my time, so I do. I cry and cry, but the water of the shower makes it less visible, even though my bloodshot eyes are betraying me. I slam the wall, more than once, and lean against it. The tears keep on flowing and I hold on to my chest, biting down my bottom lip and closing my eyes. Anything else would have hurt less, but this? How am I supposed to ever get over this? How am I supposed to get the image out of my head? How am I supposed to ever look at him again? How am I supposed to forgive him? 

''Go and try to get some sleep, Bren. It's been a long and emotional day. You're absolutely drained and exhausted, some sleep might do you good.'' Hannah says, guiding me to one of the spare rooms she has. She's set up the bed whilst I was taking the shower, and right now I realise I couldn't be any more grateful for the amazing cousin that she is. ''Thank you.'' I sigh, not feeling like getting some sleep. I would probably dream about Louis anyway, I would probably get a nightmare anyway. I just want to escape reality, but I know that I can't. Hannah is amazing for trying to help me out, though. ''I'll be in my room if you need anything, don't hesitate. I'm always here for you.'' Hannah smiles, giving my shoulder a soft squeeze before she leaves the room, leaving me on my own.

I decide to do as Hannah said and I quickly release myself out of my sweats, and I slip underneath the sheets afterwards. I've got my phone with me, so now that I'm alone and in 'peace' I decide to check my notifications. Many from Louis. Messages and missed calls. Does he really think I'd forgive him just like that? ''Leave me alone, Louis.'' I write back, sending the message before I suck in a deep breath and decide to block him everywhere. His number, twitter, facebook, snapchat, instagram. ''You fucked up.'' I whisper to myself, even though it's about Louis. After deleting some more things and replying to some other messages, I put my phone away and eventually find myself falling asleep.

The night has been absolutely horrible. I woke a few times in tears and I kept on dreaming about Louis, making my heart ache even more. I miss him, but I don't want anything to do with him anymore. As I get down the stairs in some shirt and a sweater, I can hear how Hannah is on the phone with someone. ''Oh, oh, here he is. You can talk to him yourself.'' I hear her say as she looks at me. ''Louis?'' I softly ask, because if it is, I don't want to take over the phone. ''Your mother.'' Hannah says, handing me the phone. ''Hi, mum.'' I sigh, biting down my bottom lip and watching how Hannah gets up to prepare me some breakfast, even though I'm not hungry. 

My mum asks what happens, and I try to explain for as good as I can. However, this time, I manage to actually get the words over my lips without breaking down. As expected, my mum is shocked and raging, and I can't be bothered to stop her. We talk for a bit, and she suggests me coming back home. Back to Ireland. Away from London, away from Louis, away from heartbreak. Maybe it'll be for the best. After all, I don't really have anything over here anyway, and I can not stay with Hannah forever either. ''I'll come home.'' I decide, sighing once. London has been my dream, but now I can't be bothered to stay. I don't want to. It's too much, for now. I have to leave, get back home, spend some time with my friends and family. I need some cheering up. I need it badly.

Even though it only came to plan this morning, my father has already booked me a ticket to fly back to Ireland. He would come pick up from the airport together with my mother, and Hannah would drive me to the airport. I didn't have much to take with me, considering most things we're left behind at my place with Louis, and I couldn't be bothered to go back there. I have enough stuff back at my parents' as well, and clothes are no issues either. So, with only the essentials, Hannah drove me towards the airport and got me toward the gate. I hugged her, thanked her for everything and eventually hopped on the plane.

As I was waiting for the plane to take off, I decided to check twitter for a change, and I right away regret that decision. It seems like lots of people have picked up on it already, somehow. I scroll down my mentions and roll my eyes. People are asking what's going on, why Louis tweets broken hearted emojis and why I've got him blocked. Is he really going to try and play the victim? ''Flying back to Ireland, sad circumstances but happy to see my friends and family again.'' I decide to tweet before turning my phone off, leaning my head back and watching how we take off. I'm getting away from London, and back to Ireland.

I've tried listening to some tunes in the airplane, but it hasn't really been working. Most songs took me back to memories, or to Louis in general, and that's not what I need right now. Not that I can get him out of my head anyway, though. Feeling more than glad to get off the plane, I get to the terminal and rush over toward both my parents to pull them into a hug. It's lovely seeing them again, considering I don't get to see them as much anymore, but I wish the circumstances had been different. ''Ready to go home?'' My father asks, patting me on the back whilst I nod. Home. ''Yeah.'' I say, nodding and following after my parents.

Being back home honestly feels weird, and it drives me insane. I feel like I don't belong here, not after I've moved out, after I've moved in with Louis. London. London is where I'm supposed to be, but I can not be there right now. The feeling of betrayal that I just can't seem to shake, it keeps on creeping up on me. I can't help but wonder what Louis is doing right now. Is he at home? Is he alone? Is he with Harry? How does he feel? Is he okay with it all? Is he regretting anything? Does he miss me? A thousand questions run through my head, and I sadly don't have the answer to any of them.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him, and that wouldn't surprise me. I'm never good enough. Never good enough for anything. I gave him my all, my literal all and this is what I get back. A slap in the face. Betrayal in the worst way possible. My heart aches more than ever. I don't think I've ever felt this low. Maybe he never loved me enough, I mean.. why would he even? He could get anyone in the world, so why would he be with me? I'm not special, now am I? I'm just me. Boring, insecure, me.

It's lovely to see and feel how my parents are trying, and wanting to make me feel better. They got my favourite food, even though I'm not hungry, and they're trying to talk to me, yet leave me alone at the same time. I can tell they're trying to be there for me and trying to give me the space that I need. It's lovely, but I still wish that none of this would have been necessary. Word quickly spreads and friends try to reach out to me, wanting to catch up. Now it's been a while, but I honestly can not be bothered to go outside and actually have some fun. I'm not feeling like it. The last thing I want is to pretend and have fun, whilst all I want to do is lay in bed and cry my eyes out. 

__________________________________________________________________________

The last few months have been nothing but terrible, but I somehow managed to get through it. At first, I've been locking myself up in my bedroom. All I did was lay in bed, and cry, pine over Louis and feel bad. I barely ate, only showered because it was needed, didn't write, barely saw any friends. I just.. I nearly didn't feel the will to live anymore, but I got past that, and I'm slowly trying to crawl back up. I still haven't spoken to Louis, though. I don't think I can handle that, but on the other hand, I do need, and want some closure. I still wonder what went wrong, why he did what he did and what I did to deserve this. Anyhow, I still have him blocked and I'm not planning on unblocking anytime soon etiher. He's tried to reach out to me in different ways, used other people for that as well and I've heard he's been releasing new music, but I can't bring myself to listen.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel better now and I'm starting to eat healthy again. I'm out of bed, spending more time with my family, and getting outside for fresh air. I've gotten to the mall and I've spent some time meeting fans. Not just that, I've been spending some times with friends as well, and we're even about to go to our favourite bar tonight. It's where we met, and where we always used to go, before I joined the XFactor. It's our little place. Everyone knows each other, and some local is going to be singing tonight. As much as I wouldn't believe this up to about a week ago, I'm actually excited. I'm excited to go out there, listen to some music and spend time with my friends whilst having a few drinks. Louis has been controlling my life for way too long now, and it's time for me to take control again, and make the best out of it. As much as I used to believe everything might have been my own fault, that I wasn't good enough and that I may have deserved it, I now know that Louis just isn't worthy of me.

We get to the bar with the five of us, and right away go to get ourselves a drink. I actually missed this place, the whole vibe and the people. I go around and have some chats, make a couple of pictures and eventually get back to my friends. Maybe, just maybe, as sad as it is, this is the way it's supposed to be. Maybe Louis has moved on. Maybe Louis is together with Harry right now, or with someone else for that matter. I do realise that love is not for me, at least, not yet. I'd rather be with my friends like right now and have a good time with them. Never in a million years did I think that love could hurt this much, though. Never.

''He's quite good, isn't he?'' My friend smiles, bopping to the song the song that the guy is singing. I can only agree though. He has a nice voice and his fingers play the guitar so smoothly. I can tell he's played before though, he's quite talented. ''He is.'' I hum, sipping from my beer and quickly ordering another. It's just like the good old days, and I'm actually loving it. I don't feel the need of leaving yet, could possibly stay here for another few hours and have a good time. 

''Brendan! Why don't you go ahead and play us something? It's been so long! We miss your voice.'' The guy behind the bar, known as Mark, shouts. I sigh and shake my head, chuckle softly and bite down my bottom lip. Absolutely not. I've had a few drinks and I'm unprepared. ''Yeah, why don't you?'' My friend encourages me, nudging my arm. ''Nah, I'm good. Maybe next time.'' I say, trying to shrug it off and sipping from my drink. However, Mark doesn't seem to leave it at that and looks up. ''Who wants to hear Brendan play something?'' He shouts, and I swear, if looks could kill, he would be six feet under by now. ''No, no, it's alright.'' I say, raising my head and shaking my head. ''Ah, come on, lad. Do us proud.'' Mark tries, looking over at the other people in the bar. ''Brendan, Brendan, Brendan, Brendan!'' They cheer and I sigh. ''Fine.'' I swallow and slowly get up. What am I supposed to play now?

I get over towards one of the barstools and settle down, taking over the guitar that Mark is handing me. ''I've got nothing prepared.'' I say, still trying to look for a way to get out of this. ''Nonsense! You can play anything. Play us something that's important to you, something you've played before.'' Mark says. And as the words roll over his lips, there's one song that hits me. Nothing compares. I used to sing it at the XFactor and the judges' houses, and I remember how it somehow made me think of Louis, and how I was so nervous to sing it infront of him. I remember how that day changed it all for me. The feelings I felt, the feelings I felt at that performance and ever since. ''Fine.'' I say, swallowing once and getting the guitar in the right position whilst Mark gets the microphone on. Am I really doing this? Yes, I am.

''The song I'll be playing is a song that means a lot to me. A song that.. actually changed my life. It brings back so many memories, good and bad ones. Brings me back to places I miss and places I rather not think of.'' I say, swallowing once and reaching for a glass of water that is put down to take a rather big sip. ''I've been singing this before, back at the XFactor, at the judges houses. Hope you like it.'' I say, sighing softly before I start playing the guitar, and soon my singing joins in. Sadly, the song takes me back, it takes me back to the memories more than I thought it would. I remember myself standing infront of them, feeling nervous at first before I got confident, pulling on to my shirt. ''Since you took your love away,'' I continue and swallow. ''Since you've been gone, I can do whatever I want, but nothing.. nothing can take away this blues.'' I sing. ''Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you. Nothing compares, nothing compares. Cause nothing compares, nothing compares.. to you.'' I sing, closing my eyes and swallowing thickly. 

I allow myself some time to pull myself back together before I open my eyes and look up. ''Thank you.'' I say after they're all cheering, and as much as I usually enjoy that, I'm trying my hardest not to tear up right now. ''Can you sing something else?'' Some girl says, and as much as I'm not feeling it, I don't want to decline either, so I nod. ''Suggestions?'' I hum, sipping from my water. ''Say something! That's absolutely beautiful and suits your voice so well.'' She smiles. What even is this? Full on attack. ''Okay.'' I say and nod, clearing my throat afterwards. 

I know how to play this song on the guitar, and as much as I don't want to, my fingers start to play. ''Say something I'm giving up on you, I'll be the one if you want me to.'' I begin to sing and close my eyes for a second. Whatever happens, I need to keep it together. I can not break down infront of all those people. I can break down because of this situation again. Louis doesn't deserve any of it, he doesn't deserve me. I'm trying to focus on the guitar, and on my voice, not on the words and my feelings. ''Anywhere I would have followed you,'' I continue. ''Say something I'm giving up on you.'' I swallow, biting down my bottom lip. ''And I'm feeling so small,'' I sing, looking up and humming softly. ''And I will stumble and fall, I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl.'' I sing, closing my eyes at the high note. ''Say something I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you, no, and anywhere I would have followed you. Say something I'm giving up on you.'' I sing, sighing. ''Say something I'm giving up on you.'' I finish, and as I do, my friend has come up behind me to squeeze my shoulder, only making me feel even worse.

''Thank you, thank you.'' I say, clearing my throat and finishing my water before I slowly got up. No way I'm going to play another song. ''You alright there, mate?'' My friend asks and I just nod, not wanting to get into it and end up feeling even worse than I already do. ''Yeah, just tired.'' I say, getting back to my beer to finish that one as it was still waiting for me. After, I managed to shake my friends off and headed out of the bar to head back home. As much as I felt good and excited this evening, I feel bad now. Real bad. 

I go up to bed straight away, wrap myself up in the sheets and reach out for my phone. I scroll through some notifications, but there isn't anything interesting. I eventually decide to check twitter, since that's been about two days as well, and I read through my mentions. ''Tonight took a sudden twist, don't know how to feel. Night everyone.'' I tweet, getting to my mentions again afterwards, and I nearly choke at the sight of some tweets mentioning Louis has been seen in the bar I just left. I squint my eyes and let the video play, hearing myself sing and even though I've been hacing some drinks, I do sound pretty well. ''Louis?'' I whisper to myself and swallow once, feeling how my heart skips a beat as soon as I in fact do spot him, not even that far away from me. I've actually been in the room with the one person that broke my heart into a million little pieces. I've not even been that far away from him, and I had no idea. 

The thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and part of me wants me to get out of bed and get back to the bar, but I can not do that. He doesn't deserve to, and I can't do that to myself either. I deserve better than him. I can not give in. I'm stronger than that. He fucked up, he really fucked up, and I'm better off without him. I just started to feel better again, so why is this happening? Is this what life has in store for me? Constant sadness and heartbreak? Don't I deserve to be happy, to move on and to smile? Just when I do, something comes flying back in my face and make me feel bad again. Life is always in the way, it seems like.

It feels like I'm back at the start, back at feeling miserable. Seeing Louis definitely has done me no good, definitely not. It brought back so many painful memories, the ache in my heart. The tears, the empty feeling. The sad and hurt feeling. The feeling of being useless and not good enough. Everything. Why did he have to be here? Why did he have to be that close? Was it on purpose? Galway is big enough, why Tuam? I've noticed he's here for promo, but why Tuam? It doesn't make much sense. No sense at all actually.

It's about three days later when my mother knocks upon the door of my bedroom. I just showered and I just finished dressing up as she peeks around the corner. ''Bren? There's a package for you down the stairs.'' She says, flashing me a little smile whilst she checks me out, and she seems to feel content because she doesn't say anything and already leaves again. A package? Frowning at the thought, I shrug once and slowly get down the stairs with my phone in my hand. ''You know who it's from?'' I ask my mother, walking up towards the kitchen where she has put it. A rather big box, but not all too heavy. ''Nope, no idea.'' She says, settling down at the kitchen table with her tea.

''Odd.'' I hum before I start to unwrap it, opening up the box and swallowing once. ''It's a guitar.'' I say, swallowing once and getting closer to find a note. ''It's from Louis.'' I say after a while. ''He added an apology letter, and a note saying 'I love you I meant it'.'' I read out loud. Why would he do that? ''You didn't mean it.'' I whisper to myself, crumbling the note into my hand and letting it fall upon the floor. Part of me wants to pick up the guitar and slam it against the wall, but another part of me wants to keep it. It's a beautiful guitar, and truth be told, I could use a new one, but from Louis? Not so sure. ''He's trying to apologise in any way possible, Brendan. As much as I actually hate him for what he's done to you, I do believe he is sorry, and I do believe he regrets his action.'' My mother says, making me clench my jaw. ''Right, he should've thought about that before. It's too late.'' I say, shaking my head and heading up the stairs again, but this time with the guitar in my hand.

I get back into my room and close the door with my foot, switching the light on and looking down at the guitar in my hand when suddenly, rage takes over. Who does Louis think he is? First play the victim, then come see me in a club, and then sent me a gift like this with a suckish apology letter and an I love you note? Does he really think I'd forgive him because of this? ''Fuck you, Louis.'' I growl to myself, tightening my grip around the guitar before I find myself smashing it against the wall. Just like that. It makes quite some noise, but I don't really care, at the minute. ''I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.'' I hiss, slamming the guitar against the wall again, and watching it break. ''Fuck you.'' I sneer, smashing it against the wall once more before I let myself slide down against the door, pulling up my knees to wrap my arms around them, my forehead resting upon my knees as I can not help but let a few tears slip. I hate that boy, so much. Who am I kidding? I don't. I could never hate Louis, and that makes everything even worse than it already is. 

I could either sit here and let him take control over my life yet again, or I could get up and work on something of my own. Something that would take my mind off things. Music always takes my mind off things, maybe that could work for me. I get up with a sigh and wipe my tears away, suck in a deep breath and barge over toward the bathroom to freshen up a little before I get back up to my bedroom and settle down upon my bed with my phone in my hands. I open up twitter and scroll down my timeline for a little, before I decide to post a tweet myself. ''Seeing Christmas is around the corner, what song would you all like me to cover?'' I post, along with a couple emojis. 

The majority of people seem to go for Last Christmas, but I don't mind, it's one of my all time favourites. I've been singing it for years, know the song like the back of my hand, but if I'll pull through, I want to make it my own. I message my friends Liam and Robert to see if they're able, and wanting to help me out. We've done things together in the past, and it would be nice to catch up with them as well. As if luck is on my side, the both of them are available and willing to figure something out. Soon after, we're sat in the living room discussing the song and ideas of what we could do. We figured that an actual cover could be nice, up with a video and all. I've already noticed how people we're saying they 'miss me', and I actually like doing this and working on such things, so why not?

As quick as we thought this through, I'm standing in the studio, recording the song. We're having a good time, having some drinks and just talking about everything. It's nice to be around my friends again, and it's nice to record something again. However, it does make me think of Louis though, but this time I'm actually fine with it. He gave my heart away, I know that if I'd kiss him again, he'd fool me again. He tore me apart, more than, and he's allowed to you. I thought he was someone to rely on, but guess I was wrong. ''But you tore me apart,'' I sing, making my friend nod in approval. ''You can definitely feel this song means something to you, which is good. This is going to be good, Brendan. Well done.'' Robert compliments, and I smile. Maybe this is what I need. Some type of closure.

So, I've been teasing my fans on twitter and instagram, posting small snippets from the studio. Eventually, about three days later, we go to record the video. It goes surprisingly well and I can't help but actually feel proud of the end result. ''Cover dropping around 9ish!'' I tweet, along with some emojis, smiling to myself as I sit down. But then I wonder, why not sooner? It's already done anyway, ready to be dropped. So, I find myself typing again. ''Actually 8ish.'' I add, along with some emojis, chuckling to myself and putting my phone away again. My phone is going to blow up anyway, but I'll take a look later.

Once it's about time, we go and upload it to my youtube page, my facebook and twitter. I smile and sit down, watching the video together with my parents, and they're unbelievably proud. I can just sit back and wait now, hope for the best. Of course not everyone's going to like it, but I've grown to deal with that. ''Absolutely amazing, so proud of you, Brendan.'' My mother smiles, kissing my cheek and pulling me into a hug. ''Thank you, I'm actually proud of it myself as well. Maybe this is the closure I need.'' I say, leaning back and fetching out my phone again. 

The response is better than I had expected, and more than I expected. I go to like some comments before I decide to tease the fans and go on a follow spree, I'm also dming some people before I eventually feel like it's enough and go to bed. Not before checking my phone once more though, and noticing how some people are picking up on the fact it might be meant for Louis. ''Louis' loss.'' Some people write, and I can't help but like those tweets. It's his loss. Louis fucked up big time, not me. I can actually smile whilst reading those comments now, making me feel even more certain that this was what I needed. ''Louis' loss.'' I whisper to myself as I put my phone away and get myself comfortable, only to drift off to sleep a couple of minutes later.

__________________________________________________________________________

It's about four days later when I'm home alone and the doorbell rings. I'm not expecting anyone, and I know for a fact that my parents aren't coming back anytime soon either, so it makes me wonder who it could be. ''Coming!'' I shout, quickly finishing my tea and putting the now, empty, cup upon the table before I get over toward the frontdoor. Though, as I open it up, I gasp for air and swallow once. ''L-Louis?'' I swallow, feeling how my heart starts to beat in my throat. ''What are you doing here? Why are you here?'' I ramble. ''Can we talk, please? Just talk. It's been months, please.'' He nearly pleads. ''Why? So you can feed me lies?'' I ask, biting down my bottom lip. ''I'd never do that. You deserve nothing but the truth. It's been months, and as much as I'm trying to let go, I can't. Not before we've talked, actually talked.'' Louis states and I hum. ''Really, Brendan, what have you got to lose?'' Louis continues and I roll my eyes. Fair point. ''Fine.'' I say and step aside, letting him in. The one person I thought I would never want to be close to again, is entering my house right now.

We settle down upon the couch and my stomach twists as I look over at him, sighing softly. ''You tore me apart.'' Is the first thing I say, but I can not help. He did, he really did tear me apart. He ripped my heart out like it was nothing. ''I know, Brendan, I know, and for that I am so sorry. However, I can understand if you can not believe that.'' Louis says, and I'm close to snapping again but I decide to keep my mouth shut. It's been months, maybe I can hear him out and put all of this behind us. I'd never forgive and forget, but it would be nice to actually get some answers now. Maybe see things from his point of view as well, even though I'd never think that something like this is okay. ''Fine, talk.'' I say, swallowing once and fumbling around with the edge of my shirt.

''First off, I want you to know that I'm so sorry. I've never been more sorry about anything in my entire life. I've hurt you, the one person I loved with my entire heart.'' He says, shifting around and looking up at me. ''I don't know what has gotten into me, and I'm not trying to look for an excuse, because there isn't any.'' Louis says, and I hum. Well, we agree on that. ''Things were kinda rocky between us and I.. I missed you, so much. I barely got to see you, and I know that that isn't just your fault, but you know.'' Louis sighs. ''What even was the last part of our relationship? We were together, but we were not.'' Louis says. ''So that makes it okay for you to sleep with someone else?'' I snap. ''No, no, of course not. It's not okay. What I did is not okay, and will never be either.'' Louis sighs, running his hands over his face. ''Look I can only tell you how sorry I am, and that I'll never forgive myself, and I don't expect you to forgive me either. I can only tell you how deeply I regret his, and how much I hate myself, but I don't want your pity. I can only tell you it's not your fault, not in any way. You deserve better, so much better.'' Louis says. 

''I just don't get it. I really don't. Was I not good enough for you? Didn't you love me enough?'' I ask, biting down my bottom lip. ''I did, and you were good enough. More than. You were all that I wanted and needed, even more than that. It's all on me, it's just been a moment of weakness, and that's no excuse, but that's how it is. I felt pissed, at you, for no reason. You were in the right, I should have cancelled. I should have cancelled my plans with Harry and spent some time with you instead.'' Louis says. ''I should have taken you serious, and I should have listened. I should have loved you like you deserved to.'' Louis softly says. ''But instead you ripped out my heart, and jumped on top of it like it was nothing.'' I say, shaking my head. ''And for that I am so sorry.'' Louis says.

I can tell he's sincere, and I can tell he's actually sorry, but there's no way I can forgive and forget. There's no way I can run back into his arms as much as a part of me longs for that. ''It's too late.'' I say with pain in my voice. ''You turned into someone you are not.'' I say, sighing once and getting up to get over toward the kitchen, just to get us some water. My chest feels heavy, and I feel like crying again, but I'm not planning on doing that infront of Louis. ''I know, and I don't blame you. Just please.. please, don't hate me, even though you've got all the right to.'' Louis says, taking over his water to take a sip before he puts it down and so I do. ''You were the best thing I ever had.'' I say, swallowing. ''You were the best thing I ever and it's gone away.'' Louis softly says, and I nod. ''But, as much as you do deserve it, and as much as I maybe should, I don't hate you. I can not hate you.'' I say, shaking my head.

''Did you get my guitar?'' He asks and I can not help but chuckle. ''Yeah, but I slammed it against the wall.'' I say, and even though it's only there for less than a second, he smiled. ''Fair point.'' He says, chuckling. ''I may or may not have pretended it was you.'' I say, biting down my bottom lip to keep myself from smiling. ''Another fair point.'' Louis says, looking up at me. ''I loved you, Louis. More than myself, and more than anything. I loved you, so much, and you fucked it up.'' I softly say, not being able to get emotional. My voice cracks and my lips starts to tremble. ''I know you did, and for that you deserve so much better. Brendan, please, do not cry over me. I don't deserve your tears.'' Louis says and I hum. ''Fuck you, how could you have done this to me?'' I ask, now letting my tears fall. ''I was an idiot, nothing but an idiot.'' Louis says. ''More than. i should hate you for what you've done. You completely shattered me.'' I whimper, and he nods before he wraps his arms around me. And as much as I want to push him away, I can't. ''You broke me.'' I sob, wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling my face into his neck. ''I know, I know.'' Louis whispers.

We hug for a little longer, and it feels like everything around us disappears, and I'm having a hard time not getting caught up in the moment and standing my ground. So, I pull away with a cough and hum softly. ''By the way, if I may say, your cover of Last Christmas has been absolutely amazing.'' Louis says, and I smile. ''Thank you. Can't say the same about any of your music, because I haven't listened and I've got you blocked everywhere.'' I hum, biting down my bottom lip. ''I know, yeah, I know you have.'' Louis says, and I fetch my phone out of my pocket to unblock him everywhere. I'd rather move on, leave this all behind and live our lifes. ''Not anymore.'' I say.

''I should get going now.'' Louis says, and I lead him toward the door shortly after. ''Thank you, for this. For the talk, for everything. You have no idea how much it means.'' He says, and I nod. ''Goodluck, Louis. Goodluck with everything, and who knows we might cross paths again in the future.'' I say, leaning in to kiss his cheek before I pull away and watch him leave shortly after.

This could be the start of a new chapter, in both of our lifes. We still have a long way to go, and I'm not even near forgiving him, and not even close to thinking about it, but this conversation has been a start. I'll just sit back and see where this road will lead us, because in the end.. only time can tell.


End file.
